Articles Published on Huffingtonpost.com

Sex With the Female Teacher… Don’t Tell

Time to say goodbye to Match.com, e-Harmony, JDate and all the other dating sites. We cannot log on to the computer, turn on the television, or open the newspaper without seeing a headline involving a sexual relationship between a female teacher and an underage male student. It is time to invent a new site entitled Studyhall.com because the numbers of these cases is increasing year after year.

Teachers now seem to pick their prospects directly from the student body without a care in the world. “Where were these teachers when I was going to school?” This seems to be the most commonly asked question by MEN who say that they can only dream of a teacher who would make them the “teacher’s pet.” Why are more and more teachers engaging in criminal behavior when they know that prison could be the ultimate punishment? Is there a “double standard” when it comes to female teachers? How can you call this boy a “victim”? These questions are always looming when the press gets a hold of one of these cases.

First of all there is a “double standard,” and that ‘s because the victims in most of these cases do not want to testify. It is a cycle and it goes like this. The victim is usually not the one running to the police saying “please arrest this woman that is having sex with me, supplying me with drugs and alcohol, and giving me good grades.” The disclosure is usually accidental, meaning emails, text messages and other things lead someone to begin an investigation. As a result, the “victim” has now been outed, the media circus has begun, and the last thing he wants to do is testify against this teacher, especially when he’s benefiting in so many ways.

He is then ridiculed and bullied by his friends who can’t believe that he would actually participate in a prosecution. Is he a victim of this crime? The answer is yes on so many levels. He knows deep down inside that this is criminal. He knows that he should tell the prosecutors how she preyed on him. He knows that he might struggle with all future relationships because of this, and most of all he knows that his family knows all the details. He comes to our office and says, I can’t do this, its my fault too and I am not going to testify against her. This is why we see such a difference in sentencing between the male defendant and the female defendant, ergo this “double standard.”

Why does society see this older woman/young man relationship as a “rite of passage”? It’s not, it is sexual abuse right to the core, and the damage that it can do to any child is real and can be life changing. This holds true for any adult who chooses a child as a victim, and it needs to be treated as such. This is the ultimate in betrayal, as we depend and rely on teachers to provide a stellar education for our kids. We don’t leave them in their hands to be taken advantage of mentally and physically. What drives these women to ultimately be standing in a courtroom in front of family, television cameras and sometimes their own children to answer to these crimes? Low self esteem, the need to be in control and adored, coupled with the inability to maintain adult relationships have all been factors in this criminal activity. To all those people that asked “where was that teacher when I was in school? She was doing her job in the classroom, not in the bedroom. She was making sure when you graduated you knew right from wrong and had had knowledge of many things. She was not providing knowledge of how to avoid being caught having sex, and most of all she was grading your tests, not on your oral skills. To everyone that thinks these boys aren’t true victims,and this is not sexual abuse I ask you one question, how would you feel if this was your child?

Jury Duty: To Sit or Not to Sit, That’s the Question

Jury duty, a curse for some, a great day or week for others. I have picked hundreds of juries in my 24 years in the prosecutor’s office, and I can tell you that the attitude among jurors has changed over the last 10 years. I remember the days of people being really mad when the juror notice came in the mailbox demanding that they appear at the courthouse over a certain period of time. They whipped out the rolodex of excuses, and were fully prepared to explain why they could not sit. I think times have changed because of the media’s involvement with criminal law, and I now believe that the tide has turned and more people want to be on jury duty when it comes to criminal cases.

Court TV, Law and Order, CSI: New York, and Miami, NCIS, The Good Wife and Snapped, along with all the other law shows have put criminal cases in the forefront, and most of them try to pattern their shows with actual events that are pulled from the headlines. High profile cases have become the new General Hospital and Days of our Lives and people find themselves fascinated with the lives of those involved in these cases. Print media and television have covered cases gavel to gavel, and experts weigh in on both sides in analyzing the evidence and the testimony.

Hill Street Blues, and Barney Miller were way ahead of their time. Detectives, DNA analyzers and lab technicians are now role models and their occupations have brought them into the limelight. We have become obsessed with verdict watch, and jury press conferences. Criminal law has become true theater , and you don’t need a ticket, because you can sit on a jury, or just observe from the gallery.

Jury duty is similar to auditioning for a part in a movie, except you are not asked about your previous experience in film or television, but rather about your previous experience in life. Lawyers, who do not know you from a hole in the wall are then given cart blanch to stand up and ask you detailed questions about your background and your private and professional life. In criminal law, we are looking for various factors to determine whether or not we feel you are eligible to sit. Judges and lawyers are looking for fair and impartial people from the venir (fancy word for group) so that there is not a miscarriage of justice, but ultimately each side would like to have people that they believe will go back in that jury room and return the verdict that they are seeking. I have found that most people have trepidation about disclosing personal information in front of a bunch of strangers, but I think potential jurors need to realize that the answers they give cannot be what they think “each” lawyer would like to hear. This begs the question, are potential jurors saying things to stay on juries or are they saying things to get themselves purposely knocked off?

I think those of us who are veteran trial attorneys have seen people fall into both of those categories. When we are up asking questions we walk a very fine line. We have to make sure that when we dive into your past, we are not doing anything that might offend you. Just as jurors are judging the credibility of witnesses when they take the stand, potential jurors are judging the credibility of the lawyers that are up there asking the questions. Jurors are often mad when you ask them if they have ever been arrested or had dealings with the criminal justice system. The reality is that if you have had contact with system and are harboring bad feelings towards what happened to you, or to someone in your family, then we can’t be sure that you will give this case a fair shake. The flip side to that is if you were the victim of a crime and your whole family is part of law enforcement, then you might think that everything that comes out of the mouth of a police officer is believable. The lawyers take the answers that are given and analyze them to determine if the person would make a “good juror for our side.”

Believe me, quite often we get it wrong. We sit at the table hanging on your every word guessing whether or not you will see things our way, hoping that if you like us and our banter that you will “vote for us.” Very often jurors send out mixed messages. I can’t begin to tell you how many times during a closing argument jurors will be nodding their heads in agreement with me (or what I thought) only to return a verdict of not guilty. Some might wonder if people on a high-profile case want to stay on a panel in order to write a book, participate in press interviews and bask in the glory knowing that they were the decision makers in a case that captivated the world. Jurors have the most important role in the criminal justice system. I don’t think people realize the incredible responsibility that jurors hold in their hands. Their decision will determine (in a criminal case at least) whether someone’s freedom could be taken away. It’s the best system in the world and should not be taken lightly. I only hope that when that juror notice arrives at your door, that you take your oath seriously. I hope that you won’t give answers that “just sound” good, and that you will be honest with the attorneys and the court when you are questioned. Justice will not be served if you are sitting back in that jury room with secret feelings whether good or bad, that you haven’t shared with the court. Remember, any failure to be candid with the court and the lawyers could result in you compromising the system, and the life of the person that is on trial.

Censored: Penis Is a Bad Word

When did penis become a word that needs to be censored?. It is highly likely that in a majority of sexual battery and molestation cases, you will see that a penis played a significant role. You will never hear in an indictment or a charging document that the victim was sexually battered by a ding-dong, dingaling, wiener, pee-pee ,or thing.

It is hard to believe that we still bury our heads in the sand when it comes to discussing private parts and their real names. “Struggling to find the right words” should not be part of the equation when talking to kids about this delicate subject matter. In today’s society if you fail to have “the talk” with your kids, you are doing them a tremendous disservice in preparing them for what might be out there. Those of us who are in the business are fully aware that sex crimes know no boundaries. It does not discriminate between black and white, rich or poor, fat or thin or any religion. Anyone can be a perpetrator, and anyone can be a victim, nobody is immune.

Victims would come into my office for years and tell me they did not know the names of their private parts or what to do if someone ever touched them. I would lecture all over and parents would always ask me “how do I talk to my kids about this topic, what am I supposed to say”? At this point I decided to write two books, My Privates are Private and Genius with a Penis, Don’t Touch. I wanted parents and kids to have the proper tools to help them when discussing this difficult and sometimes uncomfortable subject matter. No publisher would touch them, as they told me “this will never sell, its a taboo topic.” Really, do you have any idea how many sex crimes are out there? I believed in the message of the books and decided to publish them myself and promote on my own. I guess the Sandusky case proved my theory right, as everyone was of course up in arms, asking “why didn’t the boys tell?” I knew it back then when I wrote them that I would be met with much resistance. Quite frankly, I did not care. I thought by now things would change.

I am often asked to appear on television to comment on high profile sex cases and asked “what can we do to teach kids how to protect themselves? What can we do to educate kids” That’s the operative word, educate. It means not to be fearful of saying the words penis and vagina. It means not being afraid to hear about it on television or read about it in books or magazines. It means to take the bull by the horns and let children know that a penis is not an obscene word.

That’s what brings me to this post, the censoring of a word that is part of our anatomy. A word which obviously makes so many people uncomfortable that it needs to be removed from an article which specifically talks about sex crimes. That’s right, Genius with a Penis, was taken out of an article that I was asked to write about dealing with sexual batteries and molestations. The article addressed how to talk to your kids, warning signs of abuse, and other issues specific to sexual battery cases. I included in the article the tools that would help parents get over their fear in discussing this subject. They left in “My Privates are Private” but took out “Genius with a Penis, Don’t Touch.” What makes this all the more relevant is that the periodical is geared towards victims. When asked why they removed the little boy version of the books, the response was “its just better this way”. What kind of message does this send? Should we now tell victims of these crimes not to say the word penis if they are violated? Do we now eliminate the “real word” for penis with a fake one? Do we remain at risk of being a victim of a sex crime because we are uncomfortable with the title of the book?

I am fully aware that some parents feel more comfortable naming private parts something else. This could bring on more problems because if you are the only ones that know what those words mean another adult might not get help for your child if they are clueless as to what they are talking about. A smarter suggestion would be to call them privates and explain to your child that privates mean vagina and penis.

We live in an environment today where sex is rampant. We have shows on television about teenage pregnancy. I can assure you a penis was involved there. We practically had a nation salivating over 50 Shades of Grey and “mommy porn”, yet we cannot have an intelligent discussion about sex crimes and mention the word penis? Everyone talks big about education, yet it doesn’t get done. Why is this? Its because we are scared. We would rather think that this might happen to other kids. We would rather believe that we will never end up in the court system. We would rather think that we live in nice neighborhoods and go to nice schools. Anyone who watches the news on any given night will see that it’s not true. It happens at school, it happens at home, it happens anywhere.

Do you honestly think that a two year old who learns the words penis and vagina would be embarrassed by it ? If you teach them early enough it’s as second nature as knees and elbows. It’s the parents that have difficulty with it, they are the ones that might laugh or snicker or shy away from it. When did we become such a puritanical society that we can’t discuss human anatomy?

I can assure you of one thing, and that is that sex crimes will never disappear. Pedophilia will exist forever, so why not arm yourself with the best ammunition you have, knowledge. Knowledge is power, but is the act of censoring important words because we find them to be uncomfortable, powerful? I will continue to fight for the power of the word. Here is the most important thing — participate in protecting your kids. I can guarantee you that a discussion right now, however uncomfortable you might feel, is better than spending time in the State Attorney’s Office later. What good is education if it’s not the truth? Don’ be afraid to be honest, embrace it.

Will Sandusky ‘s Case Fall on Deaf Ears?

We don’t need to go into more detail as to the events with the Jerry Sandusky case, as the nation was watching when he was arrested, tried and convicted and then ultimately sentenced for his actions. The world was up in arms when they heard that a well known coach was secretly touching and having sex with boys with whom he had supposedly “mentored” and helped along the way. People were repulsed, yet fascinated by the victims accounts and we were horrified that a person who witnessed these events did not either run in the shower and beat the crap out of him, or run directly to the police to report it.

There were weeks on end when we had talking heads (including myself) discuss pedophiles, victims, sexual acts, disclosures, charities, single moms, and troubled youth. The media never wanted us to hear the “real details” because the language was going to be graphic, and not suitable for television. This is what I find so deplorable, if you can’t discuss it while its actually going on, when is the time? Graphic? no kidding. That’s what sex crimes are, graphic, dirty, secretive, and discreet. They are not sexy, romantic, and out in the open.

This case was textbook pedophilia. Gifts, games, secrets, horseplay, and kids looking for a father figure. Instead of running away and burying our heads in the sand, we should be discussing what is to be learned from this case. Its almost hard to believe that educators, parents, and the media via television, and print would not be jumping on the bandwagon to promote education about sexual abuse and sex crimes. It’s disheartening to know that people will encourage prosecutions of these vicious predators, yet are unwilling to start at square one, which is teaching kids about certain behaviors, and what to do if they ever found themselves in a situation like this.

This begs the question that I asked so frequently, “why are we so afraid to talk”? Why is it that we can have a mob mentality when it comes to putting this person away, and yet we fail to see that education, and knowledge could be power against someone like this?

Why don’t parents realize that teaching can be saving? We educate our kids in school and and at various outside school activities.. We teach them how to speak foreign languages, how to spell, how to do math, how to dissect frogs and how to log on to the latest technology. Why has it become so difficult to teach kids about certain behaviors and their private parts? The reason is simple, its too uncomfortable, too delicate, too difficult. What a shame that is on today’s society. We have decided that rather than talk about something that is hard, we will choose to ignore it. We would much rather watch these other victims have to disclose what happened to them and go to court rather than have a discussion with our child about safety.

We have become an “after the fact” society. I have come to find out that we like to figure out what to do after something has gone wrong, as in this case when people were shouting afterwards “we need to teach our children.” The responsibility of teaching kids is shared by all. Its parents, teachers, grandparents, basically anyone that could have an influence on your kids. Why isn’t the takeaway from this case that sexual abuse needs to be at the forefront of education. We are always trying to evolve with society. We always need to “keep up.”

Unfortunately, this is something that we need to “keep up” with. We can’t turn our backs and say that pedophilia is not an “epidemic.” The fact is it is, and if you are in denial, then you are only hurting your own kids. I am not saying that we have to be bombarded with it, but certainly sex crimes have become part of our vernacular and we have to find a way to deal with it. Don’t let the “fear” take over, encourage your schools to make “protection of your privates” part of the curriculum. I know that people will say “there’s no money for it” well maybe it’s time to make it a priority.

There are ways to incorporate this without spending a fortune, its called “talking and reading.” Maybe it’s time for all the “mommy bloggers”, and “parenting websites” to not only talk about where the “best places are to have a party’ but to include educational material about subjects like this. It may not be “stylish” but its a necessity. It may be uncomfortable, but its a reality.

We need to put our money where are mouth is, to stop talking like we are so bothered by pedophilia and do something that will decrease the record number of cases that we have in today’s society. Hopefully the disgrace of Sandusky will open the lines of communication about a tough subject. Don’t let it just be a memory, use it as a teaching tool.

Sex Nation, All Aboard

How many times in one day do I have to tell parents that I am not the “sex police” and they need to control their kids and their sexual appetites.

How many times in a day do I have to ask young girls what they were thinking when they entered a contest in school to see who could perform the most oral sex?
What will it take for educators and parents to realize that the “sex nation” is dominating our children’s lives?

I am surrounded by it every single day in my job.

Magazine covers show models in their bras and underwear, recording artists wear next to nothing on stage, and television shows cannot get by without having a “sex scene” in their programming. Is there anyone out there that realizes what kind of influence this has on children? Young girls find themselves in constant competition with other girls to perform sexually. There doesn’t seem to be a slew of role models out there trying to get a message across that it’s okay not to be a slut, and engage in sexual antics. I hear it first hand. I asked a bunch of girls that were in my office the other day, “Why would you all get naked, and ask a man down the street to come and take pictures of you?” Their answer, “Well we want to get in a magazine,” and it’s easy if you send naked pictures. The stimuli is everywhere. For instance, the Kardashian sisters were launching their new jean collection. While I applaud them from stepping away from the standard size 2 sample size, was it necessary for them to have to model topless in the advertisement? Why, if they are trying to sell pants was it necessary to draw attention to their breasts?

This is how the sexual stimuli influences the life of a teenager. The idea that Madonna needs to flash herself while on stage, and so many others feel the need to parade around in a leotard for attention is just plain stupid. There are many girls that find themselves face to face with a sex crimes prosecutor who is questioning them about their sexual experiences. When I ask them if this was their first, you might think I have two heads. It was almost insulting that I thought they might be virgins before this experience. Sex crimes are on the rise. Day after day girls are sneaking out of the house to meet men that have chatted up on the Internet. They have no conception of the dangers that go along with this behavior and most importantly they have a laissez faire attitude toward what they have done. Quite frankly, they don’t care at all as long as they fit into the “sexual nation” that has overtaken their schools.

Pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases are not even in the the mix. That is the furthest thing from their minds when they are just trying to keep up with what society has taught them. When they see reality shows, with kids stripping and having sex, and then making money from their hijinxs, it leads kids to believe that they too could have this life and be financially successful. It appears as though we have completely forgotten to educate our children because it just takes too much time and energy to fight something that has gripped our society. We are so cavalier when we hear of “wardrobe malfunctions, as it has become mainstream in the world of journalism and we have learned to accepted it.

How are kids influenced by this bombardment of sexual stimuli that surrounds them? Well, I can tell you that acting out what they hear and see has become commonplace. If you watch a video of a singer who is bumping and grinding while simulating sex, you would have to assume that your target audience is going to copy your moves. Case in point, when I had a six year old in my office a few weeks ago who told me that she learned to gyrate her hips from watching her favorite singer (not to me named) she also told me that it was good to be sexy. Why is it that parents are begging me to prosecute the older boy (18) when their 15-year-old daughter is just as active as a participant in the sex act as the boy? Why are parents so afraid to tell their daughters that their behavior is “slutty”? I am not calling on the band of all sexual connotations in our society. I am not a “footloose” conservative who doesn’t want singing and dancing. I just want people, parents, teachers and all adults to provide proper guidance and education to our youth, because we are a nation that has gotten out of control when it comes to sex. My case load has increased dramatically.

I do though, have a secret weapon when these girls come into my office and think that they are “all that” because they have sex. I let them have a word with my assistant who gave birth at thirteen because she thought it was cool to have sex. She tells them like it is, how she missed her childhood because she was raising a baby, how hard she had to struggle to take care of the baby, and how her life was never hers. It’s reality, smacking them in the face. Here what needs to be accomplished. We need to get off this sex merry go round, and stop including sexual innuendo in our everyday lives. What we see in our office is usually a downward spiral, girls having sex, getting pregnant, and then not caring or knowing how to care for that child. Now instead of showing up as a “victim” of sex abuse in our office they come in as the defendant because they have “neglected” the child. It can be a vicious cycle. All kids need to know is that dressing provocatively, or engaging in sexual behavior will not make them them more successful.

Confidence, self worth, and smarts will get them far, not a body that is open for business. All those girls that feel the need to show their talents by first showing their bodies should take a lesson from Adele the singer. She is dressed properly, doesn’t promote sex in her messages and certainly does not feel the need to flaunt her assets in order to get an audience. She had the the number one album on the charts for the longest time. So you see it does work, sex doesn’t always equal sales, it’s talent, hard work and a sense of self that does.

‘Scared Straight’: A Good Idea

Criminal court cases have gained popularity in today’s society. Whenever you turn on the news, or open a newspaper or go online, you can hear and read about the latest murder, sexual battery or solicitation case that is going on somewhere in this world. We even hear about celebrities getting arrested and we follow their cases as if we were a part of it. We are tuned in to Law and Order, the original, and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and we hang on every DNA swab that is being handled by someone on CSI. We have many cases that are “fishbowled” by the media, which means they have become constants in our life because we hear about them nonstop and they are analyzed over and over again by tv talking heads.

When people used get their summons in the mail for jury duty they would think of every excuse in the book to get out of it, now it seems “cool” to stay on, especially if it’s a high profile case, and there could be a shot at writing a book or doing an interview. The courtroom has become the theater, and the players are either adored or hated by the public. Yet, there are questions that remain, has criminal activity become glamorous? Is there any way of decreasing the amount of crime that goes on?

I think the answer to both is yes. Appearing in a courtroom, shackled, with a salacious back story makes for good news and entertainment. The female teacher who is having sex with her male student is suddenly thrust into the limelight, probably getting more attention than she has ever gotten in her life. The cheating husband or wife, who puts a hit on his or her spouse becomes a made for TV movie, and the the real celebrity that commits a crime gets extra time on Entertainment Tonight, and then gets a new gig after completing their sentence.

What can be done to deter the commission of crimes so that our criminal justice system is not overcrowded with adults and juveniles who seem to believe that nothing will really happen to them if they are caught doing illegal activity? Why do so many kids ignore the laws and feel this sense of entitlement, and still bully, talk back to teachers, sneak out of their houses and refuse to abide by the law? I think it’s because they are not scared. They see easy sentences, they think they are above the law, and that they can get away with it. I don’t know if there is a lack of discipline at home or at school, but for whatever reason, they don’t appear to have a care in the world, even when facing a judge. I have seen it first hand, when they sashay into a courtroom and show a lack of respect for the man or woman in the black robe.

There used to be show on TV (which I think is making a comeback) called Scared Straight. They would send juveniles into Rahway State Prison in New Jersey and have them meet with the convicted felons. These convicted defendants would be in your face, screaming, cursing, and re-enacting what everyday life behind bars was all about. There were no producers telling these guys what to say, there were no cue cards, and no one shouting “make it look really bad.” This was hard core reality of what it would be like for these kids to go to prison. I personally think it’s fabulous. Being a part of the system, even on the prosecutors’ end, gives me insight into a world that most people only see on television. The television stories, outside of a documentary, don’t always truly and accurately portray “real prison life.”

Some people are so arrogant, and some kids are so used to being coddled that they never believe they could end up being “in custody.” They think that getting a “good lawyer” will walk them out of the courtroom and out of responsibility. They think that spending a few days in jail might look cool to all of their friends. Scared Straight would prove otherwise. It would show them that their life would never be their own again. It would show them that there is a subculture in the prison world that they would never want to describe to their family and friends,

I always encourage parents to bring their kids to the courtroom to see the “real world.” I am not talking about the Real World television show which shows kids in a house together, partying and trying to get daytime jobs while the cameras roll. I am talking about real world, where one commits a crime, is handcuffed to the person next to him and is sentenced to hard time. Case in point, this week Tony Farmer, a star high school basketball player was sentenced to three years in prison for beating up his girlfriend. The videotape of him collapsing in court after the judge sentenced him is quite telling, and should be watched by everyone. He had a look of and shock and disbelief when the sentenced was handed down, and then he literally went down. Did he think because he was a “star” that he would not get any time? If he had been scared straight would he have engaged in domestic violence? Did his lawyer assure him that he would just “get a slap on the wrist?” If kids saw him in court that day they would see a life and a career literally destroyed. I believe that this would deter these kids from engaging in illegal activities that would result in an arrest. It’s time to scare these kids straight. If they don’t learn it now, it will only lead them into a life of crime and punishment. Bring back the convicts, bring back the show, cause it just might bring back the kids. Show the old footage in schools, make field trips to the courthouse, and take in the flavor of real time. It just might make a difference in someone’s life.